Learning From Vigils

via hypervocal.com

via hypervocal.com

I have been dreading this post. I really have. I promised myself last week that I would write this. I need to do it for me and, I’d be an idiot to not put it up here.

I just think I’m afraid.

Afraid about how that week affected me and taught me about myself. I can’t get “Amazing Grace” out of my head. In some ways, I don’t want to and in many, many ways I don’t want to.

I felt an obligation to cover the three vigils as best as I could. I think I did that. I was hoping for some kind of response from the public, whether it be someone mad I missed something or happy I was there. Neither happened and I’m still not sure how to take that. I know that’s selfish.

Before I wrote this post, I thought I knew what I was going to write and over 150 words in I’m stuck.

Looking back, I know I could have done a better job on all of them. I always say that, but it’s true. I’d change a word here and put in a different quote there. Editing is a curse now.

I went into that week thinking that it wouldn’t affect me. That I would be okay and come out of it without really thinking about what had happened and how terrible it really was. I was wrong. The Newtown tragedy has changed my life. I’m still not sure how yet.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to explain how, either. It’s something that none of will ever forget. And we shouldn’t. It’s importance will only grow as time slowly moves forward. It will always be a part of my life, just like 9/11, just like when BO told me Osama Bin Laden was killed and just like the Arab Spring. Those stay with you.

And they also weigh on you. We don’t think about that. I’m writing about hurt and pain, but I’m also living that pain and hurt. I know that I’m bottling it all up. I don’t really know how to talk about it. I’ve barely talked about it with anyone.

I’m kind of bouncing around it here, avoiding it. At least, I think I am.

I think it’s going to take a few more posts like this to get anywhere.

The vigils were feature stories, but they are more than that. They affected everyone that put the pieces together and everyone that read them. Every person can relate to some aspect of each vigil. It’s “power” isn’t done on purpose. I never tried to over emphasize anything. What everyone read was what happened.

I think about those stories everyday.

They weigh on me.

Jonathan

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